Power is a fascinating and often
misunderstood concept. In general, it involves the capacity to
cause something to happen, and effect change. However, people
often misunderstand and mistake force with power. I spoke with
Meredith Haberfeld, co-founder and CEO of personal coaching
firm "Handel Group Private Coaching",
about what personal power really is, the dangers of using
force instead of power and why it benefits everyone to develop
the art of being powerful.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE
FIGHT
Many people assume that to accomplish
anything meaningful requires going into battle. In other
words, it demands force. Force certainly proves effective,
especially in the short run. But it is distorted thinking to
believe that this is required, says Meredith. It is true that
force, whether in relationships, in a work situation or even
when attempting change in oneself can work for a time, and in
fact work quite well. But force creates counter force and then
locks in when these two forces collide. In work or
relationships, the counter force generally takes the form of
other people's disagreements or outright hostility -- cloaked
in gossip, passive aggressive acts and quiet resistance. For
individuals, counter-force is the stubborn side of the
personality that wants what it wants when it wants it and
isn't happy about not getting its way. The problem is that
outcomes based on force never leave people satisfied, even if
they win due to the high emotional costs that come with the
win.
WHY DO PEOPLE CHOOSE
FORCE?
The reason people use force is because
it works, and it's easy, just like young children who find it
easier to simply hit their siblings when they want something
instead of using their words. Forceful people feel that the
ends justify the means because they accomplished their mission
-- this gives people permission to yell, be annoyed or use
other forceful measures in the name of "mission
accomplished."
THE OPPOSITE OF
FORCE
On the other hand, power is quite the
opposite of force, Meredith explains. Force is aggressive...
power is creative and uses vision. Force focuses on the ends
justifying the means. Power actually occurs in a process over
a series of moments, all of which work in a constructive and
unified fashion toward the goal.
At the core of personal power is
self-trust. You must believe in yourself, your vision and your
intentions, believing you can make something happen, says
Meredith, or power can't exist.
A critical piece in cultivating your
power in the world is developing your integrity. The only time
a person actually feels deep satisfaction and peace is when
the heart, head and actions all line up. This applies to all
areas where you don't honor your word to yourself -- cheating
on your diet, not helping a neighbor as promised, thinking one
thing but saying another, being late, cheating on your partner
-- it all creates a deficit with yourself and your confidence.
Even if you don't keep your word to yourself, even if no one
knows it, you emotionally punish yourself and diminish your
own power.
The key to creating power is to put
yourself into alignment, and conversely not allow yourself to
be out of alignment by making excuses for what you did even
when you know it was wrong. Examples include justifying
cheating on your diet, snapping at your spouse, settling for a
job you don't like or allowing yourself to be perpetually
late.
When you give up your mind's right to
explain or feel bad you find yourself in the very powerful
place of choosing what you did. No more victim. No
more excuses. Your actions are your choice.
ADDRESSING FEAR
Often fear of failure stops people from
developing their power. This is not to imply that having power
means you have no fear. With power you take action in spite of
fear because you trust that action, belief or behavior is
right for you. You still might fail -- but that's okay. Life
is full of failures. At least you failed in a powerful way --
doing what you chose to do. Anyone who has given their all to
something, holding nothing back, knows that feeling that even
if you don't get what you want -- there's little better than
knowing you gave 100%.
Having the freedom to choose, and the
personal power associated with it is extremely freeing and
allows people to enjoy, as Meredith describes it, a lightness
of being.
To establish personal power or
strengthen yours, Meredith recommends the following...
- On separate sheets of paper, write
all the important areas of your life including health,
body, relationships, your marriage and family, your work
and finances.
- Evaluate in each area what you really
want for yourself and what standards you want to meet. Be
creative here -- carefully locate what has true meaning
for you and would be most fulfilling.
- With your lists in hand, determine
where you are coming up short. What are you doing that
undermines your intentions and dreams? What are you lying
about, hiding and protecting. Examine anything that is
stopping you -- in even one area -- because that behavior
oozes into other parts of your life. If, say, you feel
that having great health is mandatory for you but you
regularly eat fast food, that behavior counters your
personal standards and consequently undermines trust in
yourself in general.
- Starting with one or at most two
areas, think through changes you can make that will bring
your dreams and intentions into reality. Pay close
attention to where you get stopped and why --
understanding a pattern in one area will increase
awareness and insight in others and indicate where you
need to do work.
- Forget making excuses. Meredith
cautions that the mind will make excuses for everything
because that is just what the mind does. But excuses, she
warns, are power killers and should be put aside.
- Go for something you'd be so proud of
-- and risk failing. This has you committed to winning,
and going for it fully, with everything you've got.
While developing your personal power,
also consciously watch where you are being
"forceful." Watch what you do -- and watch the
consequences of that behavior. Over time, you will see how
unsatisfying, hurtful and ineffective forcefulness is. In the
places you notice you're forcing, be creative at identifying a
different way to reach your goal, that keeps everybody's
dignity intact.
Remember, too, that nothing is fixed.
You are free to change direction in your life any time you
find another path that might work better because you design
your life. And it's personal power that enables your efforts.
Be well,
Carole Jackson
Bottom Line's Daily Health News
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