As life expectancy rises, families increasingly face the challenge of caring for sick or elderly relatives. The diagnosis may be dementia in an aging parent, or multiple sclerosis or cancer in a formerly robust spouse or sibling, but the question remains the same -- How do I find the strength to rise to the occasion and meet this challenge?

NO EASY ANSWERS

Caregivers face a multiplicity of complex issues, in which family beliefs, cultural values and spirituality all come into play. For example,

• Which family member is the designated caregiver when a parent is ill?
• Is the responsibility to be shared?
• How long can you or should you care for a loved one at home?
• When is it time to consider institutional or hospice care?
• Is death to be embraced as a spiritual release, or is it something you don't discuss in your family?
• How do you juggle raising young children while caring for older parents?

There are no easy answers to questions like these, and over time each family comes around to its own way of thinking and coping. But whatever path you choose, there is no doubt that caring for a seriously ill family member means riding an emotional roller coaster, with sensations veering from anger to denial to fear to guilt to hopelessness to grief. According to a study in the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, under all this pressure, one in three caregivers ends up developing symptoms of depression.

To learn how to summon the strength to care for an ill loved one, I spoke with Sandra W. Haymon, PhD, author of My Turn: Caring for Aging Parents & Other Elderly Loved Ones: A Daughter's Perspective (Magnolia Productions).

HOW TO STAY STRONG

Dr. Haymon suggested a number of things to do, including...

• Develop a support network. Involve other family members and friends in caring for your loved one. Chances are they're anxious to help but don't know how. Your best bet is to assign specific tasks -- for example, doing yardwork, feeding the pets, assistance with doctor visits or vacuuming the house. Don't be too proud to accept help from any and all who offer. They really want to help and you don't have to do it all alone.
• Prioritize. Dr. Haymon has seen too many caregivers try to do everything they did previously, on top of their new responsibilities. She suggests making a list of what's important and, keeping in mind that time and energy are finite, forgiving yourself for not being able to do it all.
• Think outside the box. Dr. Haymon recommends that instead of saying that things "should" be done a certain way, open the door to thinking they "could" be done in an altogether different manner. For instance, the yard "should" be tended to, but it "could" be done by someone else. Or, it "could" remain less than perfectly groomed, and that's okay too.
• Set aside time for yourself. Make it a point to get out and do other things, even if it's just once or twice a week. For example, join a friend for dinner or a walk. Nature can be especially comforting, so catch up with one another as you stroll through the park or along the beach. Don't feel like you are deserting the person in need by taking time for yourself. When my children were very young, my pediatrician would regularly ask first and foremost how I was and if I was taking time for me before he would even start to talk about the children. His theory: If Mom was not happy and taking care of herself, she doesn't have energy and emotion to care for others in a loving way. The same holds true when caring for the sick and elderly.
• Join a support group for caregivers. Here you can freely share your emotions with others who have faced or are facing similar challenges. Dr. Haymon adds that this is a great opportunity to pick up practical tips that will save you time and energy, learning from those who have already been there-done that. If you're uncomfortable with groups, consider one-on-one counseling.
• Explore your spirituality. If religion has played a big part in your or your loved one's life, now is the time to embrace it all the more. Attend religious services, arrange for clergy to visit, pray together and sing familiar hymns. On a practical level, church or temple members can play a valuable role in your support network.
• Keep an eye on your own health. In focusing on the needs of someone who is very ill, it's easy to forget to take care of yourself, warns Dr. Haymon. To stay strong, eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. Also, don't neglect regular check-ups.
• Don't use alcohol or cigarettes as crutches. Drinking and smoking are not uncommon responses to caregiver stress. Be aware of this, and instead choose positive coping mechanisms. For example, set aside 15 minutes each morning to practice yoga, tai chi, meditation or deep breathing.
• Consider respite care. Advocacy groups such as the Multiple Sclerosis Society (www.nationalmssociety.org) and the Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org) offer this service, in which trained individuals take care of the afflicted person while you take a breather. Other resources to tap into include local YMCAs, hospitals and civic organizations.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

As many positive steps as you take to stay strong during this challenging period, there will be inevitable moments when you feel angry or upset or frustrated or disappointed, notes Dr. Haymon. You may even feel anger toward your loved one, and experience guilt about that. She advises that, above all, you allow yourself to freely experience these feelings.

Don't try to suppress what are completely natural reactions and emotions. Let the tears flow, or pour out your feelings in a journal... then move on, gathering comfort and strength from the fact that you're far from alone in your struggle, and there are concrete steps you can take to meet the challenge.

Be well,

Carole Jackson
Bottom Line's Daily Health News

Best Bites & Buys publishes the opinions/ points of view of leading authorities in multiple fields. The use of these opinions/points of view is in no way a substitute for legal, accounting, investment, medical or any  professional services to suit your specific personal needs. Please, always consult a competent/qualified professional for answers to your specific needs/questions.