Angry people are exhausting to be
around, always carping about some offense and glowering about
what someone else did or did not do. For the angry person,
life itself is exhausting, zapping his/her energy and, as many
studies have shown, triggering health problems from headaches
to heart attacks. But it is hard for angry people to get out
from under their wrath because they are caught in a
self-perpetuating trap, according to Lauren Zander and
Meredith Haberfeld, principals of the personal coaching firm
Handel Group Private Coaching.
Fortunately, though, with effort and guidance, it is possible
to free yourself of the burdens of an angry life so you can
enjoy life more, enjoy your loved ones more and be far
healthier.
ANGER HAS ITS PLACE
Not all anger is bad, of course. Lauren
points out that it is an appropriate response to a number of
situations, including being lied to or otherwise betrayed, and
in those times it would be unhealthful not to feel your anger
and give it a voice. Verbalizing the emotion and working it
through is how you relieve the physical and mental stress
anger creates. It also provides the opportunity to resolve the
problem with the other person and move past being angry.
Unhealthful anger, conversely, results when people flip out
automatically as a reaction, or the extent of the anger is out
of proportion to what happened. They hold on to grudges, rage
at "stupid" drivers and sputter at heavy traffic --
even at silly mistakes of their own. Being angry is what they
do because it's the only way they know how to react in a
situation, so they do it a lot.
BEHIND ANGER
Being in a regular state of frustration,
rage or anger is something angry people have learned... if not
at their mother's knee, then at their father's -- or perhaps
both, says Lauren. In their childhood home, being angry was an
accepted way of behaving... the mother who got cold and shut
down anytime she was upset about even trivial matters... the
father who hollered and slammed doors when something didn't go
his way. Seeing so much anger acted out without any attempt to
curtail or change the behavior creates the belief in the child
that there is nothing wrong with acting this way. (This is, of
course, in sharp contrast to the people who grow up in
families that do not display anger -- even when they feel it
-- and consequently are reluctant to show anger even when
provoked and instead unhealthfully drive it underground.) But
there is more to the mix than just learned behavior, Lauren
continues.
Angry people want to be in control, be
it of their life, their environment or other people. When they
can't control something, they get frustrated -- and they get
mad. They justify their fury by rationalizing that they know
the "right" way something should or shouldn't be
done. This position, then, gives them the "right" to
be angry when that something doesn't go as they wanted it to.
Sometimes the angry person is indeed right -- other drivers
can be stupid, traffic often is a nightmare, war is bad. But
anger alone does not resolve problems. For example, getting
mad at your hair turning gray will not make it go back to the
color of your youth.
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR
ANGER
Angry people are usually stuck being
angry because they are so busy focusing on why they are right
instead of moving past it. Underneath, deep inside, they often
know that they are, in fact, out of control and that people
shy away from them, reluctant to be around their explosive
nature. While angry people initially cling to the idea,
"That's just the way I am," it is certainly possible
to overcome chronic anger, says Lauren. The first step is to
recognize that you are angry and that you hold on to your
displays of it much as a toddler does his temper tantrums. A
very powerful exercise is to look at the way you're behaving
and notice how childlike the angry behavior is and how foolish
you must appear. Then ask yourself what you get from behaving
in the same bratty manner as a young child. Like a tantrum, it
is probably also an expression of frustration, but when
frustration builds in small children, they don't have a
selection of ways to display it. As an adult, you do.
The next step is to investigate how you
witnessed anger in your childhood where you learned it.
Meredith points out that most people are reluctant to believe
they are like their parents, but it's through parents that we
all learn how to conduct ourselves in our lives. Your
particular way of showing anger may differ slightly, but in
essence the pattern is no doubt the same. Once you've
recognized that, start to think through what your parents'
anger actually achieved or changed. Did being mad benefit
their family or them personally? Or did it, in fact, get in
the way? Having evaluated that part of your past prepares you
for the next step, which is to observe -- and change -- your
own ways of acting out anger. Here's how...
- For a week or two, make a list of
your anger triggers. Write down everything that makes you
sooo mad -- no matter how big or small. And, keep
in mind, you don't have to yell to be feeling and
displaying anger.
- Review your completed list to
evaluate your particular triggers. You will discover they
are amazingly predictable -- variations on the same four
or five things again and again.
- Pick out one trigger area and come up
with new ways to handle it. This should include ways you
can change the situation so that it no longer upsets you
and how you can change the way you respond. For example,
say heavy traffic on your commute makes you crazy. You
can't change traffic, of course, but you can leave earlier
or later so that you miss the rush. If that's not
possible, change your response by finding something
calming and enjoyable, such as listening to books on tape
as you drive. It's critical to expect the fact that
traffic is going to be bad. By doing this, your
expectations of good traffic won't be overestimated so you
won't be frustrated. If you change your expectations of a
situation, you reduce your risk of frustration and, in
turn, anger. Also, look at what you can do to shift a
situation. For example, say you complain that your spouse
isn't meeting your needs. Can you change that by making
more effort to communicate clearly what your needs are?
In addition to these nuts-and-bolts
steps, add fuel to change by doing this -- picture yourself as
a person who is not angry. Visualize how you would behave and
actually put words to your description. It might even help to
think about someone you know who is not an angry person and
how they react in situations. This will help you have a role
model for the behavior and may give you a feeling of what it's
like when someone reacts without anger. Meredith warns that it
may be hard at first to visualize a world without anger, but
push on, and decide what you would be like and how you would
act and the difference that would make in your relationship
with those closest to you. Now you are ready to rechannel that
ferocious amount of energy you had been putting into being mad
into a more peaceful and productive daily experience. You'll
realize that instead of getting mad, you've stepped up to the
plate to help make a difference in your world.
Be well,
Carole Jackson
Bottom Line's Daily Health News
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